The Journey to finding Balance & Peace
“Kev, you’re always so serious” “Kev, smile a little” “Kev, relax! Take it easy bro, you are good” “Kev, you’re doing too much”
Those were the few of many comments I’ve received for a large portion of my life. While I thought it was just people being people, over the weekend, I had the time and the space to do some deep-thinking & self-reflection. It was at that moment where I identified a trend about myself.
All of my life, I’ve always been on this “pursuit” to live the best life I can. To do things the “right way” etc. Anything I was passionate about, sports, school, women, etc. I approached it with a level of intensity that sometimes was unnecessary and borderline scared some folks away lol. You might have mistaken me for Pat Bev on the Clippers the way I went hard for the things I was interested in and wanted to achieve.
Knowing how low society sets the bar for Black men, growing up in a single-parent home and seeing how hard my mom worked and struggled heightened my pursuit to want to do right. While it has gotten me far in life, I’ll be the first to admit that it has also robbed me of the ability to enjoy life, the ability to sustain previous, current and potential friendships, relationships and experiences too.
Daily, knowing how hard I go, I would have random moments of overthinking when things did not go my way, or when the goals I’ve set out to achieve took longer than expected.
Whether it was a party, date, casual conversation, work, etc. My mind will randomly race to think (sometimes overthink) on what I did, did not do and what I could have done. Why? I can not explain but finding ways in those moments to ground myself was tough until I discovered ways of managing myself when I experience those moments.
During High-School, I took a yoga course, did some modern dance and ballet in addition to the other dance courses I took (yea, ya boy was and is a dancer lol.) It was in those classes where I realized how powerful music and meditation were to the body and mental. While I didn’t have many opportunities to do yoga after high-school, music and just being alone for moments at a time became my main outlet to relax in addition to Writing (ironic right). I must say, it has been very helpful with how I navigate certain situations. Am I where I want to be? No, but to relax, I’ve made aware to myself that this will be an on-going process and not a one time fix.
In summary, don’t get so caught up in grinding for a better life and wanting things to happen that you don’t take the time on occasion to enjoy it, be in the moment and most importantly let things flow! Do find that balance. Do find ways to relax if you have moments similar to me. How you go about doing that is and should be unique to you.
Until next time… #WordsFromKev
“You Are What You Eat: My Journey”
Welcome back folks, I know it been a while (Writing this as I Lay in bed recovering from a Stomach Virus…How Ironic lol.)
So without further ado, here I go:
On March 18, 2019, I Stepped off the scale in the morning and after 5 months, I lost 27 pounds. Down to 196 lbs. from 223 lbs.
Most of you are wondering, how did I get here?
No, I wasn’t sick (at the time.) Everything was okay with me. No, I’m not strictly a Vegan/Vegetarian, etc.
I’m doing a better job of listening to my body and getting back to old habits. I didn’t do this alone, I had a lot of help.
Ain’t gonna front like most folks, I too developed bad eating habits between college & early in my professional career.
At the rate I was going, my life expectancy wasn’t looking too good.
It’s okay to have cheat days from time, It’s all about balance. Find a routine that works for you and STICK TO IT!
Since I’m asked about it, here’s a brief overview of my weekly routine:
1. Gym for an hour for 3-5 days a week & once a weekend (Rest when necessary.)
2. Managing my portion size when it comes to my meals.
3. Adding a large number of fruits, veggies, Vegan/Vegetarian based meals & lean meats on occasion for protein. (If I can’t find vegan alternatives.)
4. Drinking tons of water!
5. Not overeating (Listening to my body when it says it’s full.)
It’s amazing what 6 months (now) of taking the gym seriously, 6 months of cleaner eating, laying off the Henny, Ox Tail, Empanadas, adding more fruits & veggies to the diet can do.
I had to get real with myself about the type of life I wanted for myself and what it would take for me to achieve that. This journey was bigger than just having a nice looking body/abs. Our health as we get older should be taken seriously.
Especially for some of us who come from low socioeconomic backgrounds like myself and who for the most of our lives lived/still live in “food deserts” where access to quality food and nutrition is limited.
Trust me its not our fault. Most of us have been dealt a bad hand in life by our society (That’s another conversation for another day, I can go on about that topic.)
Is it easy, no! but I knew that being undisciplined with my diet wasn’t going to help me achieve what I wanted.
Being disciplined and honest with myself allowed me to get to the root of a lot of the problems that have crippled me not just relating to my diet.
It helped me develop solid habits and has allowed me to be much more in tune with my body (that goes far beyond the physical.) Understanding what meals gave me energy and which ones gave me the itus and trying my best to eat more meals in the former and not the latter has made all the difference.
If I couldn’t be disciplined in this area of my life, how could I expect to be disciplined in other areas of my life?
I hope that I can be the spark that can influence someone to make a change in their life if they deem it necessary and looking for a source of inspiration.
I’m in no way telling people what to do.
If anything, I just want folks to be smarter about the choices they make and take into account the consequences from the jump and not waiting until after the fact.
I didn’t say anything deep or profound, I’m just a messenger passing along a message.
Thank you for your time!
Code Switching: My Journey
Code-Switching, “The practice of moving back and forth between two languages, two dialects or registers of the same language.”
You would think individuals Code Switch to adapt to a situation or a conversation that is unfamiliar to them. Code-Switching doesn’t just involve speech, it can involve every aspect of yourself. From your clothing down to the things that interest you.
Growing up in New York City, this definition of “Code Switching” wasn’t what it seemed to be. Being a young African kid in the U.S. was tough, especially under the tutelage of my parents who are immigrants from West Africa.
I never knew what Code-Switching was until I entered High School yet looking back, I can personally say that I have been a victim and have been code-switching all my life. Even till’ this day (Yup Deonte Wilder I feel you, till this day!) I still do it. It haunts me, it affects me and at times leaves me puzzled.
When I started my schooling, I was ridiculed for being African. My accent was mocked, my dark skin was made fun of and I got labeled and asked ignorant questions such as, “You’re an African booty scratcher”, “Does your family live in trees or walk around barefoot and naked” and lastly, “Do you hunt lions for fun” Those were a few of the many silly questions I had to deal with.
It broke me down and it made me begin to question, “Is my African culture inferior and not respected enough?” To a certain extreme, I even considered bleaching my skin a bit to fit in (silly me.)
As a kid early on, all I wanted was acceptance. Over time, I began to assimilate into the community around me. I started using more “slang” within my vernacular such as, “Yoo was good” “I’m chilling” and “Man this food is popping” to name a few.
Also, I began wearing clothing worn by popular Rappers and Athletes that we, as young kids of color, extolled; All while attempting to balance out staying true to my Ghanaian roots. Suddenly, I felt good. Which was what I wanted, until I arrived at High School.
Entering high school, as my knowledge of the world around me expanded, I began to notice something depressing but wasn’t a shock to me. This was the time when I found out from, my ninth grade-writing teacher, Ms. Castillo about, “Code Switching” which was, based on the definition she provided, essentially my experience up to High School put in perspective.
Its something I will sadly have to encounter for probably the rest of my life as an African male. I now needed to learn how to speak more, “sophisticated” and to become more, “articulate.”
To me, it meant that I needed to lose my, “Urban Ways” and adopt a “Corporate America” style of speaking.
I was turned off by it because of the way I was raised in my community. Yet, as a child of a single parent, my mom had this belief that, “Anything that will make you successful, safe and allow for you to have a better life, you must do it!”
I was raised on survival. All she cared about was her son being great, not having a felony on his record, for him to make it home alive and to not have any run-ins with the NYPD.
Part of me was telling myself that she was right and why she came to the country in the first place. Yet, on the other hand, part of me was telling me, “Why do I have to sacrifice something that I have grown to enjoy and be comfortable with to be subservient to some other colloquial language. Who is to say that that language is that much better than mines?”
Unfortunately, to get where I wanted to be, I had to, “Code Switch” and adopt this style of speaking, which many of the teachers said was the norm within our society.
Once I adopted it, I noticed almost instantly, most of my teachers were inclined towards speaking and encouraging me. They believed that I wanted more out of life because I was, “Code Switching” into a more “articulate” individual. Due to this, I was able to network an obtain opportunities that have benefited me greatly, including being able to attend and hold my own in college.
I just wanted to live well, be great and accepted. Yet at the same time, it was depressing because I felt some sort of, “Survivors Guilt”
“Like why wasn’t my fellow peers getting the same treatment?” I mean they too have the capabilities of succeeding if someone both motivated and believed them yet, all because I indirectly learned to “Code Switch” and accepted being uncomfortable, I was rewarded.
If anything, its, in a weird way, probably one of the best attributes I have. It has allowed me to be very versatile. As someone who wants to see and spark change, It allows me to easily connect with various people. Being in a position where I can provide my opinions to break down misconceptions or bridge the gap so we can have discussions to help others understand the differences that are out there and the elements behind those differences is huge.
It’s one thing to say ok this person is different, but understanding what makes them different is key in better preparing yourself to understand, help and work alongside that individual.
However sadly, I still have my moments where I question my identity and why I have to code-switch. Even now as a working professional in an industry where writing, communication, the ability to connect with both journalists and our audiences is both the foundation and what makes $ in our profession.
As much as I would like to ponder on who am I know that I must do what will bring me success and I along with others will, unfortunately, live the rest of our life’s wondering, Are we Switching To The Code or Is The Code-Switching Us?
Interacial Dating: Thru My Lens
For starters (and I hate to state the obvious,) but Love has no color.
To some, that term will resonate but to others, it may be perceived as bullshit or a “cop-out.”
Interracial dating is a topic that is often addressed from a place of conflict and never from a place of understanding. I believe how society reacts to interracial couples or those who date interracially, reveals that we still have a long ways to go towards acceptance.
For me as a Black, specifically African male, I’ve had my fair share of interracial relationships/Dates and to be quite honest, it has exposed me to a lot.
Growing up, I never had a “preference” (Subconsciously, it’s a given that we all want someone who’s looks lights a fire up under you and that’s regardless of race.) I’ve always gravitated towards who I genuinely enjoyed being around and through dating and getting to know one another, figuring out if we can co-exist as one.
When I was younger, I was caught up in this immature mindset of, “Hey, this woman has to have these physical features, look a certain way, etc.” Yet, as I’ve aged, (Thank God for wisdom and most importantly maturity,) I’ve placed more importance on the ability to co-exist and the mental because as a wise man once told me, “Your looks may grab someone’s attention for the moment, but its the personality that will keep their attention for a lifetime.”
Dating outside my race initially wasn’t easy. I could recall when I was younger being with a woman outside my race, I got backlash from all angles. I got backlash from some family members who thought the worse would happen to me being a Black male dating a woman who was outside my race/ethnic background and they thought that I didn’t like/had a hatred for my race of people.
Those were some of the initial “struggles” I had to deal with. On the flip side, I had to deal with the backlash from family members of the woman I was dating. A lot of it about my skin color and why their daughter didn’t choose a man from their race/ethnic background to date.
There were also internal and external struggles. Internally when I couldn’t understand a certain language or quickly adapt to one’s culture and way of living, I wondered if the individual would have the patience with me to figure it out or if I was worthy enough to even be with them. Externally, it was worse. Walking in public or restaurants and seeing people side-eye me, make slick comments towards me or the person I was with. I won’t lie, it was tough. At times it made dating outside my race/ethnic background hard and to a certain extent, want to avoid it completely.
However, I realized that there is both strength and tons of teachable moments with interracial dating. For me, my initial experience very early on in my life prepared my family for what I had and will do in my life dating-wise so it won’t be a surprise at all to them.
For me, the strength comes from the fact that given all of the external and internal factors you can boldly love. I commend all interracial couples and people who are interracially dating both young and old who continue to fight for their union daily. I find it exciting to meet someone who has a different cultural background and being able to work as a team to figure each other out with the sole purpose of co-existing as one.
From a societal standpoint, Its important folks realize that if one is dating outside of their race, it doesn’t mean that they have a dislike for their race. It’s a beautiful thing to have the freedom to love who you want and we as a society should embrace the fact that some folks will date outside of their race if they want.
However, at the same time, just because you date outside your race doesn’t mean you put down folks of other races or your own. Too many times folks tend to uplift one set of people at the expense of others and that there isn’t cool at all.
The End.
Sexual Discipline
“A lot of s*** up on my plate so you know a n**** late to my first class. I’d much rather sit up in first class. Should I admit that a s***** b**** was my first smash. Wasn’t experienced, so nah I didn’t wear it out. Always thought my first time would be someone I cared about but being a virgin was something to be embarrassed ’bout. I used that a** for practice, so I wasn’t scared out my mind. You call it rhymes I call it clearing out my mind. Was just a young boy starin’ out my blinds, Till I got free from my momma leash. Running loose through the streets like a stray dog in heat”
“Is this too deep for the intro? If so I’ll find another use but just in case its perfect, let me introduce” – J. Cole
The above lyrics replayed through my head back then & till this day as I write & reflect on this journey regarding Sexual Discipline.
Growing up, I thought I had sexual discipline down. Who thought the kid that was so determined to have his “first time” be with someone he cared about, falter into a place where he thought he would never go.
My lack of sexual discipline caused a lot of pain. Individuals who thought the world of me, I let them down. Maybe some things in my life would of went differently had I been more disciplined sexually.
No, I wasn’t a sex addict but once I got exposed to it, It felt like I couldn’t get enough of it.
Maybe it was because I didn’t get any growing up, that I wanted to prove to my boys that I could “get some” to feed a fragile ego at that time or the fear of being taken advantage of/heartbreak.
It didn’t make it any better that as young men, Sex, sadly, was seen as a sport. About, “Who could get who” or “Who had more bodies” etc. We barely thought about the deeper emotional and physical impacts of Sex.
Overall, a very immature mindset was the driver behind a lot of my choices back then. I’m not proud of it at all.
As I got older, feelings of pleasure after an encounter were replaced with feelings of emptiness. At times, it felt as if I was all over the place, unfocused & that lack of discipline trickled down into my work performance & my overall well-being. I knew some changes had to be made.
The feeling was weird but I knew that It was a sign of a change in me.
Fast forward to today, I’m not perfect but it’s a beautiful feeling when I can look at a woman & not want anything sexual from her at first glance. It’s a beautiful feeling when I can respectfully turn down sexual requests from women. I don’t think the younger me would have the maturity or discipline to do that.
I constantly tell myself, “I don’t need to smash everything moving”
I had to remind myself that although I may be extremely responsible about getting tested & using protective measures, who’s to say the person you lie down with is?
I knew I was playing with fire every time I decided to lie down with a random woman. Ain’t no telling what could have happened if I didn’t become more disciplined nor do I even want to think of it.
I didn’t want an STI/STD nor did I want an unplanned pregnancy with a woman I knew I had no plans of being with long term.
I truly want to break that cycle of Fathers not being there for there child/family. It starts and ends with discipline & most importantly, holding yourself accountable.
No, I’m not saying don’t have sex but be smart about the choices you make sexually & make sure both parties involved understand the consequences beforehand before you do it. Sounds cliche and obvious but trust me, a lot of folks fail to follow this until its too late.
Sex, when approached correctly & from a place of maturity, is an amazing experience.
To the young men & women who may be virgins or celibate, don’t be ashamed of your personal decision. Don’t be peer-pressured into being someone your not or to prove a point. Go at your own pace!
To the men & women struggling with sexual discipline, the first step to change is admitting that there is a problem. It starts within.
I may get backlash for writing this from some men, some may even call me lame for this but hopefully, this can be the spark for someone to become better disciplined sexually or to at least begin the conversation.
Thank you.