A Letter To My Father

Dear Pops,

This isn’t meant to bash you or to complain. It’s more of my way of getting things off my chest. A conversation, therapy, so hear me out.

Many years ago on Valentine’s Day, ironically the day of love became the day of heartbreak. Day after day arguments after arguments seeing the house get empty was insane.

No … This isn’t what you think, my heart wasn’t necessarily broken
but this day marked Change, like a High School Grad entering College. However, this change was unknown… I feared it. I became a part of a population of many kids who identify as living in a “Single Parent Home”

More importantly, I became “Fatherless.”

Something so mundane like being home and Seeing two suddenly became Strange. New Area Code, New Seven Digits, New People, New Everything.
The Number ONE became everything to me; It was my Provider, Protector, and my Advisor. Everything I needed was all in ONE.

This ONE made everything that wasn’t physically and mentally present… Available. This ONE was my Mother.

It was hard growing up without you in our new but empty home. Seeing Mom cry on a day-to-day basis because she struggled to pay the rent, was painful.

You know I constantly asked Mom when you were coming?

Like a kid impatiently waiting for Santa but sadly under my tree, I Was gifted with disappointment & struggle. I had to come to grips with the fact that your arrival would be, Permanently Delayed.

Having no furniture for months on in, seeing kids happy with both of their parents at PTA meetings, constantly worrying and praying about what time Mom would get home, or if she was in Harm’s way.

These images and our continued Survival was weirdly, a blessing.
because its what drives me now.

Everything I have and will do is because of that moment in my life. My drive and my confidence come from that. This was the first but not the only time where I was forced to grow up & become a Man on my own but How?

Where do I start? Who do I talk to? Can I even do this alone?

When Mom wasn’t there, the TV was my babysitter and music became my influence. Kick Pushing To Lupe taught me to embrace difference and Kendrick, on the other hand, did make me realize that I too was a Good Kid In A mAAd City.

As the oldest and only male in the house these were the things that kept me sane and my Potential intact. Sure, I missed out on the daily father and son talk in regards to women, sports, finance, etc.

Could it be of help to me … certainly, but I’m just glad I didn’t succumb to the smokescreen known as the “Street Life” that has Suffocated the minds and lives of many.

One day, it’s scary to think that I will become a father and a husband myself. That I will one day meet a woman who I will deeply love and create a life with. I know I will be dealing with The same pressures and responsibilities you once had.

However, I want my experience to be different if and when that time comes. More than anything I just want to know why & what to look out for Because as they say,

“Those who don’t know their History Are Doomed To repeat it.”

Yours Truly,

Your Son