“A lot of s*** up on my plate so you know a n**** late to my first class. I’d much rather sit up in first class. Should I admit that a s***** b**** was my first smash. Wasn’t experienced, so nah I didn’t wear it out. Always thought my first time would be someone I cared about but being a virgin was something to be embarrassed ’bout. I used that a** for practice, so I wasn’t scared out my mind. You call it rhymes I call it clearing out my mind. Was just a young boy starin’ out my blinds, Till I got free from my momma leash. Running loose through the streets like a stray dog in heat”
“Is this too deep for the intro? If so I’ll find another use but just in case its perfect, let me introduce” – J. Cole
The above lyrics replayed through my head back then & till this day as I write & reflect on this journey regarding Sexual Discipline.
Growing up, I thought I had sexual discipline down. Who thought the kid that was so determined to have his “first time” be with someone he cared about, falter into a place where he thought he would never go.
My lack of sexual discipline caused a lot of pain. Individuals who thought the world of me, I let them down. Maybe some things in my life would of went differently had I been more disciplined sexually.
No, I wasn’t a sex addict but once I got exposed to it, It felt like I couldn’t get enough of it.
Maybe it was because I didn’t get any growing up, that I wanted to prove to my boys that I could “get some” to feed a fragile ego at that time or the fear of being taken advantage of/heartbreak.
It didn’t make it any better that as young men, Sex, sadly, was seen as a sport. About, “Who could get who” or “Who had more bodies” etc. We barely thought about the deeper emotional and physical impacts of Sex.
Overall, a very immature mindset was the driver behind a lot of my choices back then. I’m not proud of it at all.
As I got older, feelings of pleasure after an encounter were replaced with feelings of emptiness. At times, it felt as if I was all over the place, unfocused & that lack of discipline trickled down into my work performance & my overall well-being. I knew some changes had to be made.
The feeling was weird but I knew that It was a sign of a change in me.
Fast forward to today, I’m not perfect but it’s a beautiful feeling when I can look at a woman & not want anything sexual from her at first glance. It’s a beautiful feeling when I can respectfully turn down sexual requests from women. I don’t think the younger me would have the maturity or discipline to do that.
I constantly tell myself, “I don’t need to smash everything moving”
I had to remind myself that although I may be extremely responsible about getting tested & using protective measures, who’s to say the person you lie down with is?
I knew I was playing with fire every time I decided to lie down with a random woman. Ain’t no telling what could have happened if I didn’t become more disciplined nor do I even want to think of it.
I didn’t want an STI/STD nor did I want an unplanned pregnancy with a woman I knew I had no plans of being with long term.
I truly want to break that cycle of Fathers not being there for there child/family. It starts and ends with discipline & most importantly, holding yourself accountable.
No, I’m not saying don’t have sex but be smart about the choices you make sexually & make sure both parties involved understand the consequences beforehand before you do it. Sounds cliche and obvious but trust me, a lot of folks fail to follow this until its too late.
Sex, when approached correctly & from a place of maturity, is an amazing experience.
To the young men & women who may be virgins or celibate, don’t be ashamed of your personal decision. Don’t be peer-pressured into being someone your not or to prove a point. Go at your own pace!
To the men & women struggling with sexual discipline, the first step to change is admitting that there is a problem. It starts within.
I may get backlash for writing this from some men, some may even call me lame for this but hopefully, this can be the spark for someone to become better disciplined sexually or to at least begin the conversation.
Thank you.